I've realised for a while now that I've been choosing to stay ill because I know the devil. I have struggled with mental health issues for almost five years, but I have only just begun to make significant headway toward healing.
This is a result of my recent self-admission that I was choosing to remain ill since that was what I knew how to do. I just didn't because esketamine nasal spray recovery was going to require a lot of truth and change that I wasn't ready to confront.
I had no idea I was doing this for years, even though it's evident to me now, which is why this specific reason for fighting recovery is so hard to avoid. It takes place unconsciously. We frequently prefer what we have over what we desire when given the choice because it is the devil we are familiar with.
While it's true that nobody enjoys being ill, if that's your normal state, it may feel more secure than the prospect of recovering because you can never be sure how it will turn out. If it's just another devil, what then?
Deciding to Remain Ill Owing to the Recovery Devils
I'm now working on letting go of the devil I know in order to choose recovery. While recovery is fantastic in and of itself and has already made a huge difference in my day-to-day life, it has also brought with it a ton of demons. If I'm being kind to myself, I can see why I stayed away from them for so long.
Uncertainty is the biggest enemy I've had to battle. I was given a type II bipolar disease diagnosis four years ago, but I never was able to accept it. Rather, I became utterly fixated on it, doubted it, and pushed myself to the verge of anxiety multiple times a day. There was really no way to establish that bipolar was the correct diagnosis, and I needed to be 100% certain.
I was choosing to stay ill because this was the devil I knew, and it was obvious that this was not the right atmosphere for recovery. I was just not ready to let go of my diagnosis or accept it for a long time since those two things would have required me to accept ambiguity in my mental health, and to be honest, it still worries me.
Even though it's really uncomfortable, I'm working on it because I'm realising that there might not be a definitive answer when it comes to my mental health and that it would be better to focus my attention on improving rather than attempting to find the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Selecting Recuperation Rather than Deciding
So how can we go from opting to be ill to embracing new challenges? Since I've only been going through this for a little over a year, I can't say that I have all the answers, but I can offer you some advice: even if you're not intentionally choosing to stay unwell, you have to admit that you're resisting healing.
I'm aware that acknowledging this was really tough for me as I thought it implied that I was to blame for my esketamine therapy illness and that I was just ignoring it since I had grown accustomed to being unwell, but I'm starting to realise that this isn't the case.
Conclusion
It is difficult and frightening to have a mental illness, and our brains cling to any solace they can find even if that solace comes from the sickness itself. Realising you've been choosing to stay unwell is not a sign of weakness. You will face your rehabilitation devils and leave that devil behind when you're ready, and everything will work out.
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